Tag Archives: fear

Sleep Paralysis, Trauma, and Entities | Spiritual Emergency Symptom

The other night a friend of mine told me a story. She told me others found it hard to believe what she was telling me. She told me of sleep paralysis and experiencing black figures in the room. She found out later, looking back, that she was experiencing a spiritual emergency and it was a way for her to process trauma within her own life.

As I listened to her story it sounds remarkably like my own story. I’ve had several instances that terrify me so badly I purposely keep myself awake for a night or two after the experience. I never knew someone else had experienced it, too! The experiences always seem to happen randomly, but after hearing my friends story, I began to wonder if it happened when I was working through trauma like she was.

It always happens the same. I go to bed as per usual. Suddenly I wake up, wide awake, but  I can’t move my body. I am frozen and can’t make a noise no matter how hard I try to scream. There are one or more black figures in the room, usually on top of me. I can feel them and sometimes I can see them. They are always silent and they always have an intent to hurt me. One time I felt one pressing against my throat so I couldn’t breathe. Another time I felt it wanted to rape me.

The best way I’ve figured out how to handle these experiences is to close my eyes, and start to breathe deeply with a goal to get back into my body. I begin to will with all my might my fingers or toes to move because if I can get a body part to move I am instantly back in my body. 

After I usually turn on all of the lights and my body is shaking. I won’t sleep for the rest of that night.

I remember to times specifically when I was working through trauma I experienced this including one this past year. While I was practising Kirtan Kriya it was a little bit different than the previous experiences in the sense that there was a Being at the foot of my bed who projected the image of a heart into my mind while my body felt like it had electricity running through it. It didn’t try to kill me but I was still didn’t sleep for two nights after.

Another time was when I first moved to the West Coast and was volunteering at Hollyhock on Cortes Island. I had a wonderful place to stay. My time there was a vortex – the house I shared was with nine other healers. All we did in our spare time was trade sessions. We woke up at six am and meditated before breakfast. We counselled each other. It was a life changing place in more than one way, and I remember in the middle of the night one time, experiencing the sleep paralysis with a black being on top of me ready to rape me.

No one really knew what to make of the experience, including myself, but I had begun to wonder about these black shapes. I know and recognize the mind is a powerful tool that needs to be respected and that I need to learn how to use properly. I began to wonder if these black beings were apparitions created by the mind of my worst fears. I began to wonder if maybe they were thought forms I had created somehow. 

Looking back in my life I see that these experiences came often when I was in the middle of a big emotional shift and doing a lot of work and personal healing on myself. It seems to be a sign that I am undergoing something big in my life and to pay attention. I also noticed I learned how to calmly respond to the situation even though it terrifies me.

It taught me the power of my breath and of being inside my body. It taught me about my will power because I have to connect to my will in order to move my fingers or toes when this happens. It taught me to be courageous. It taught me not to believe what my mind creates. It taught me that fears can truly have power over me if I let them.

I still have fears from the traumas experienced and I have a general lack of trust in the world because of those experiences but I have also spent a long time shifting those things.

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis like this before? How do you work through or cope with your fears from trauma?

Research/Links
Spirituality and Trauma
Spiritual Sleep Paralysis
Sleep Paralysis and Spirits
Spiritual Emergence Network

P.S. When I was searching for a picture for this post I opened up the one in it now and noticed beside me a spider the size of a penny making his way toward me ON MY BED. I kicked him out (not kill him) and decided to use this butterfly picture.

Job Results in Life Changing Realization

This week was a revolutionary week for me in my mindset and beliefs.

I had taken a job at a convenience store that in no way suited me. The company and I didn’t have the same values, nor did the job allow me to have any sort of self-expression or a feeling of fulfilment at the end of my shift. Where I would like to be helping people, I was serving them cigarettes and junk food. When I would like to have self-expression through my hair and clothing, at work it was reduced to uniformity to not look any different than anyone else – I had to wear black pants.* When I went in search of said pants I couldn’t buy them. They didn’t inspire me in any way, shape or form. Neither did my job.

I tried hard to be happy working there. The people there were kind and my manager flexible with my schedule. I was earning money. A person can be happy anywhere, right? Each day before work I would ground and centre myself so that I could present my most joyful self. I wanted to connect with the customers that were coming through, lighten them, spread joy. Instead I found myself quickly drained and grumpy.

For me, it felt like my soul was dying each day that I went to work and I lost a bit of my individuality. I felt like I was loosing consciousness and awareness with each customer that I rung through my till. Troubling.

Reflecting on this and the job, I wondered to myself why I was there. It occurred to me during my reflections that I could quit my job. And if I did, everything would be okay and work itself out. Exciting!

Later in the day, when talking with a friend, my job situation came up. When I heard myself speak I became aware that I was working a job unsuitable to my personality and who I am because I was scared of lack – not having a liveable income or home.

I learned that I was re-enacting a pattern that has occurred in my life over and over again over the past six years, one I’m ready to stop. The pattern is taking a job “just because I need the money” instead of taking a job because I like it or enjoy it. Whenever I’ve taken a job for that reason, using the logic that once I have something I’ll be able to search for what I want, I’ve never been able to find an enjoyable job. Instead I get dragged down by a job I don’t enjoy and end up not searching for anything new or I jump to another equally unsatisfying job.

This festered and grew in my mind over the next few days and came into being a huge realization that is indeed revolutionary to the way that I live my life:

If I choose to do something out of fear-based energies, then I will attract more fear-based energies into my life. But if I choose instead, to do something out of love-based energies then love-based energies will surely flow into my life.

That made too much sense to me to ignore it.

I needed to quit.

But I was scared.

This is a very different way of thinking for me that wasn’t taught to me by my family, school, or even by my culture. The more I contemplated this the more it made sense, and several occurrences happened creating confidence in me and in my decision.

First I noticed in the prayer that I’ve been saying each morning for a few weeks includes this line:

Oh Kind and Merciful Kuan Yin, give me steadfast courage to follow my heart in my life’s journey, even when it means defying the expectations of others to reach my true destiny.

The same day I choose to do what I needed to do I pulled the affirmation card stating:

I am totally adequate for all situations. I am one with the power of the Universe. I claim this power, and it is easy for me to stand up for myself.

I wondered, is quitting a job that is unsuitable to me standing up for myself? Is it ultimately an act of self-love?

One of the women in my class made the statement that day, “It’s like I had to give myself permission to be happy.”

Ironically, that’s what I felt that I needed to do. Why do I need to work a job I don’t like? How does that make sense? I don’t and it doesn’t make sense. The Universe put us on the planet to be happy, not to be miserable. Our life is supposed to be filled with joy in all areas, however that looks for each of us. And it will be different for all of us. Obviously, this job is not my joy.

Then, in the book I was reading, I stumbled upon:

“Follow your bliss. – Joseph Campbell”

Well, you know, a woman has to do what a woman has to do. I decided I want to bring forth only energies of love, therefore all things that I do will be based out of love and happiness instead of fear.

I called my workplace and quit. A weight lifted off of me, and I was happy and excited about life again. Curiosity about what life and I can create in my universe came back.

The next day I pulled these affirmations:

I now go beyond other peoples fears and limitations. It is ‘my’ mind that creates my experiences. I am unlimited in my own ability to create the good in my life.

It is safe to look within. As I move through the layers of other peoples opinions and beliefs I see within myself a magnificent being, wise and beautiful. I love what I see in me.

Suiting, no?

*My wardrobe has morphed into mainly skirts/dresses, with the very odd day being a jeans day.

Crooked Thinking and Limiting Beliefs

Last weeks blog post gave you an example of what I would like to discuss today – re-framing crooked thinking and limiting beliefs. Recently at Bridges we took a workshop called “Changing Limiting Belief Systems.” It was a highly valuable class where I learned a lot and received reminders of what I’ve been working on. I would like to share some of of the workshop with you, my lovely readers. Perhaps you will find the knowledge and technique as helpful as I did.

This approach is called cognitive restructuring from my understanding of cognitive therapy. Though a very left-brain approach this technique seems very useful and follows how most people naturally think. Many of us in class discovered we were already doing this work to various degrees. Now we were just getting the vocabulary and a greater understanding of what exactly we were doing. This workshop, and article will, focus on re-framing our thoughts and creating choices for how we respond to situations and people in our lives.

Re-framing is the art of turning something around, in this case a negative thought to a postive thought. This requires acknowledging the feelings surrounding the thought and making a choice on how to proceed. Let’s talk about core beliefs for a moment.

Core beliefs are thoughts that are so strong they seem to be a apart of us and govern us. For many people, but not all, these thoughts are subconscious. They can be brought to conscious awareness and changed with awareness and mindfulness.

Negative core beliefs can cause distorted thinking/crooked thinking which doesn’t serve our Highest Good. For example, having the core belief that I am flawed in some way might lead to me having avoidance behaviours, perfectionism, or being inauthentic.

Positive core beliefs help us a long our path and serve our Highest good. They bring about healthy boundaries, and positive behaviors that protect us as well as authenticity and true unshakeable confidence that comes from inside ourselves.

Reframing involves four steps.

  1. Recognize. Notice the thought and ask yourself, “Is this serving me? Is it positive or negative?” If it is negative, “Do I want to work with this thought right now and reframe it? Where does this thought come from? When did it start? Why am I thinking this?” And my favorite: “What is my motive?”
  2. Acknowledge. Notice and say hi to the feelings that are coming up with the thought. You can’t deny them; they are there and real, and will come back to haunt you if you try denial. Seriously. They will. What are your feelings telling you?
  3. Stop or Disrupt the thought. The beautiful thing about our minds is that we can only think one thought at a time. I know that sometimes it feels like we are thinking a millions things at once: our brain is going so fast, a thousand miles a second, that we must be thinking a million things at once. Not true.
  4. Replace the thought with a new thought. If you don’t do this last and final step you will have a hole left where the old thought was inside your thinking patterns. That means the old thought can easily come back, so simply replace it with a positive thought and a positive way of thinking.

One of the most useful things I received in the workshop is a list of ten common patterns of distorted or crooked thinking.

All-or-Nothing (Black & White Thinking) – Switching from one extreme to another. Eg. “One mistake ruined the whole thing.”

Overgenerallization – Assuming that because something happened once it will always happen. Eg. “I always blow it at the last minute.” or “You always forget to do the things I ask.”

Mental Filter (Dwelling on the Negative) – Dwell on the negatives and ignore the postives. Eg. “I got it right this time but I had to try three times before I finally got it right.”

Discounting the Postivies – Insisting that your accomplishments or positive qualities don’t count. Eg. “I was just lucky.”

Jumping to Conclusions – Part A is Mind Reading. Belieivng that you know what other people are thinking. Eg. “They all thought I was stupid.” Part B is Fortune Telling. Arbitrarily predicting that things will turn out badly. Eg. “Everything is bound to go wrong.”

Magnification or Minimization – Either blowing things way up out of porportion or shrinking their importance inappropriately. Eg. “I’ll never get over it.”

Emotional Reasoning – Mistaking feeling for facts. Eg. “I’m so worried; I just know soemthing is going to go wrong.”

Should statements – Criticizeing yourself or others with shoulds, shouldn’ts, musts, oughts and have tos.

Labelling (Name Calling) – Idenfiying with your shortcomings or mistakes. Eg. “I’m and idiot.” or “Anybody who could do that must be brain dead.”

Personalization and Blame – Blaming yourself for soemthing that was not your responsibility. “Its all my fault” or “If only I’d done more.”

When I went through this list the first time I easily was able to check off four patterns that apply to me. Since watching my thoughts more carefully I’ve checked off more.

Our class was given the following exercise:

For one week record your negative thoughts. You might write them down, or make check marks on paper, or put a penny in a jar for each one that you have. If you are recording your negative thoughts on paper, divide your paper into three columns. In the first column put your thoughts. In the second column identify the pattern. Lastly, re-frame the thought in the third box. This exercise is done to bring more awareness to what thoughts you are thinking and gives an opportunity to practice re-framing, if you are so inclined.

You are invited to join us, and share with me your experiences of this approach and thought patterns. Have you done something like this before? Was it beneficial? How did you change your thinking most efficiently?

Next week is part two of this topic. 🙂

Purity of Thought

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about purity of thought and the power behind it. So voila! Here are some thoughts I’ve been working on for a little while. Enjoy!

Many great teachers have mentioned and taught many times over that purity of thought is a huge component in manifesting ascension for ourselves. They all teach different ways that can help one to achieve the level of purity that is required: thinking positive thoughts, replacing all thoughts with positive ones, mantras, meditation practices, prayer, breathing to mention a few common techniques.

What is purity of thought?

I believe it is the emotional and mental state (thereby physical and spiritual states too) where we are ourselves, one hundred percent pure. In this state we have no fear, sadness, pain, happiness or joy. It is not to say that we do not experience emotion, but rather our emotions do not control us. They don’t bring us into the past or into the future. We are in the moment as each moment happens.

In this state we have no pre-programmed beliefs or systems running through us at all. Other people’s ideas and thoughts from our parents to our society’s no longer exist within us, and we have nothing to truly “process” or “figure out”. It all is, and we are able to see and know in the fullest sense of Truth. We have entered the No-Mind of Zen and Nirvana of Buddhism.

It is also when we are in this completely pure state that our subconscious is in total alignment with our consciousness, and that means we step into full consciousness, full awareness of our power. That is when we have one hundred percent control of our body and we can heal any part of ourselves effortlessly. It is when we are able to reprogram our minds, bodies, and spirit in an instant because we are no longer a slave to the mind or the emotional body. This is sometimes called the state of the Ascended Masters and other enlightened beings.

I believe it is our true state, and we’ve simply forgotten what our true state is. Aka. YES! I’M A SUPERHERO IN DISGUISE!!! 😀

And so are you.

How do we attain purity of thought?

This process is going to be different for each person because we are all unique individuals with so many variables affecting each of us.

Because we are all so unique no one says that you need to be a new age spiritual junkie to attain purity of thought. I personally believe that many people who work close with nature like a survivalist, and all of the people we have seen YouTube videos about as they play with ‘wild animals’ such as lions or crocodiles have somehow attained a purity of thought that is rare in our current society. Perhaps you can attain it with food?

For me, right now it will come through my practices that are largely a mix-mash of many different traditions and the focus of this particular article is written with that focus and influence.

And I believe all of the ways that the great spiritual teachers teach us are all equally valid. Perhaps one of the best ways of reaching purity of thought is using each practice, or devising our own, as it fits most naturally in our lives.

If we were to do all of the most common spiritual practices our life might look something like:

  • Wake up
  • Meditate in whichever form you are inspired to (minimum 1 hour)
  • Yoga
  • Visit nature to maintain a strong connection to the planet (and its grounding)
  • Pray
  • Practice gratitude
  • Constant watching of thought and reprogramming thought patterns as much as possible (tireless work)

When do you actually go to work?

Purity of Thought in Practice

It seems like a lot, and it is. It gets easier for all of us as more people do the work to create larger paths for others to follow. It also gets easier with practice because it turns into a lifestyle that naturally benefits you. I know from my personal experience that tenacious dedication to my spiritual practices at first were essential in turning spirituality into a natural lifestyle. Even though there was a lot of work involved I noticed a general improvement over my entire well-being and flow to my life.

I’ve also noticed that many practices have become so well ingrained with my life after years of practice that I am no longer able to separate the spiritual part of myself from the rest of me. It would take conscious effort on my part to stop doing spiritual practices because I have such a strong habit of praying when I’m walking, practicing mindfulness whenever I remember, and watching my thoughts.

I am still far from perfect though and often  I resist flowing into a more dedicated practice in my life. I say, “I’m too busy” to meditated everyday. That is an excuse, I know. Often when I experience resistance to my practice and so slowly I let it decline into something (for me) that’s non-existent. This resistance comes most often from fear. This was the fear that Marianne Williamson so famously speaks about in the following words:

“it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.”

Any practice, spiritual or not, that brings us closer to our true selves, our Divinity, helps our light shine brighter and our power to grow.

Results of Purity of Thought

In our society purity of thought separates us from the norm, our light and power separates us from everyone else. (Spiderman anyone? Batman? Cat Woman? X-Men? Maybe they aren’t all light, but they definitely have power and they are definitely separate from the norm…)

The stronger our light shines, the greater the degree of difference we feel from more people. We no longer resonate with them. We are there to help and share our wisdom and talents but the actual amount of people that we can be true friends or lovers with gets smaller and smaller and smaller the purer our thought becomes. Unless we show everyone how easy it is to be a superhero! 😛

To have purity of thought defines you as someone different from everyone else. Purity of thought brings forth the impossible into everyday lives, and when it is strong, can show what is actually possible as a human being. People who pursue this purity will learn that their lives are very different from the norm, and it will in a sense alienate them from the majority. But they will be the most courageous, brilliant, ingenious, beautiful and radiant human beings we will ever see and know.

 My Conclusion

Therefore, I accept the challenge to manifest purity of thought in my own mind. Because I’m done being scared of who I truly am. Because I am going to take control and take responsibility for everything in my life so that I can create exactly what I desire in my life. So each day I will learn my lessons as best I can, and learn more about how I can shine, practicing releasing all that holds me back. Because I really love the thought that I’M A SUPERHERO!

What do you say? Will you join me in uncovering your inner superhero? Perhaps your path is not one of meditation. What path do you choose, and what path works for you?

I’m excited to hear about your adventures! 🙂

P.S.

This article turned out to be five-page long essay, so this blog post is a much shortened version of that. 🙂

Space to Breathe, Fear and Writing Again!

Recently I came into conscious awareness that I had set up my life in such a way that there was no longer anyone breathing down my back telling me what to do. There was no “shoulds”, there were no “needs” just simply “What do you desire?”. It was a really strange and positive realization that makes me want to jump up and down with joy!

For so long I have “worked” (if you can call life work) to put myself in a safe space where I can truly be me and learn about me without major interference. I felt that there was all of this space around me, space where I could breathe and relax while making my decisions. My close friends that I asked what I should do didn’t tell me what I should do. They listened and all told me the same thing “follow your heart, follow your intuition.”

Who knew that this would be one of the scariest things for me? Ironic in a sense because last year coming to BC I jumped to follow my heart and dreams. Right now I don’t feel the Universe is being as clear to me about what it is that I need to do right now though in reality, its me not being able to pick up or hear the answers that the Universe is giving me.

Several things came along with this realization though – things that needed to be looked at closer before a major celebration took place. The feeling that I could breathe and the sense of freedom to make my own choices was a very odd and new sensation that scared me.

It means that I am one hundred percent responsible for the choices that I make now. It means that I no longer have to run because I no longer have anything to escape from. When I do something that I don’t like it is all on me and I need to own all of my stuff. It means that I have the opportunity to step fully into my power and radiance a little bit more than before.

All of this came at once, subconsciously, and it came as an onslaught of internal fear that was nameless, faceless yet overwhelming and heavy. It would rise up inside of me and my only response would be to curl into a heaving ball of tears for a good fifteen or twenty minutes at a time with my body trembling. This went on for a good week and a half at least, and only now am I coming to realize exactly what was happening.

Now I see this fear is a conglomerate of many fears – the unknown, taking full responsibility for my life, not making the “right choice”, judgments from others and therefore myself, stepping into my own power and radiance.

All of these fears made me want to run away and escape from everything. From my perspective during those days it was the outside world causing all this fear to come up in me, and that I must not be in the right spot at all. Now I know it was all internal.

For most of my years living on this Earth I was always hatching escape plans. I have journals filled with them, and all the calculations to go along with them from how much a bus ticket would cost me to the destination I wanted most and how I would earn that money.

I’ve learned this last year I was doing a lot of running away. I now know that my subconscious has been trained over the years to do precisely that! And its not a bad thing. But it is no longer necessary because I’ve chosen to surround myself with good people, and I’ve chosen to live my life a way that feels most right to me.

This running away reflex was first brought to my attention through a conversation with a good friend of mine, who brought it up. At that moment I had to agree with his points, and I promised myself that I would watch out for this pattern in all parts of my life. I made a deal with myself, that if I started talking about leaving this place I would force myself to wait until I knew with absolute certainty what I was doing. And it worked! So it seems.

I know that it will take time to reprogram my subconscious completely from this tendency, but I know too that I can and will do it.

Now I find myself in a space that is much safer and more stable than where I have been for the last month and not nearly as chaotic for the last several months. Gradually I have been able to calm down enough to come to these learnings about myself.

And I feel ready to write again.

P.S.

Since “settling” into this temporary yet stable place I’ve pulled certain cards from my deck The Ascended Masters that I’d like to share with you, if you are interested.

Major Card: “New Beginnings” which I interpret as follows for me: You are currently in a very special spot of your life where anything can happen that you desire. It is time to let the new energy coming into your being and to release all of the old stuff. Let your life be new, and create what you want most in it. Take time to figure out just what it is that you want.

Major Card: “Write”: TA-DA!

Major Card: “Artistic Expression”: Connected with writing, it is through artistic expression of your choice that you learn so much more about yourself and your desires. You are able to discover many things and make sense of the world more and more through this process.

Major Card: “Open Your Heart to Giving and Receiving Love”: This is something that I’ve been frequently reminded of over the last week, and I don’t like it. It brings me too close to too many people. At the same time I know its necessary and this card comes as a reminder to breathe, and open up to all the love my tiny universe has to offer. After all, people are the bread and butter of life, and everything else is extra. Encouragement to dive into the community and be myself.

Who is Mirroring You?

What do the people around you reflect?

Many times I’ve come across the concept that the other people that I encounter are mirrors for what’s happening within me. The first time I encountered the phrase I sat back and contemplated it, rolling the phrase “People are mirrors for your inner self.” I knew it was important, but I didn’t quite understand it or realize it.

For many years after I tried to grasp the concept, tried to feel what it means for others to be a mirror of myself or to be a mirror for the person. I think once the concept is fully realized in a person will change the whole person’s behavior and the way they interact with people. Once fully realized, a person can see or feel the sweeping undertows of an interaction with another person and what is truly going on in a situation.

A small piece of Maya or illusion is removed.

Sometimes my brain has a very hard time conceptualizing a particular concept. This was one such concept. My brain twisted and bent as it strived to make sense of people mirroring me for a few years now. Often I would meet a person and do my best to see what was being mirrored back at me only to not be able to find anything at all. I would be asking the question: “What is it that I don’t like about them? What is it that annoys me?”

And if they were really annoying or infuriating to me I would say to myself, “Oh God, seriously? I really hope I am not like that at all!”

It was rare that the mirror would spawn deep reflection – my brain hurt – until I finally realized a small part of the concept just last month: Whatever I get annoyed about, I am. This was beautifully shown to me by the Universe and a friend of mine. I was complaining to her about how some people make plans: “They leave it all up in the air and I never know if we are actually going to meet or not! And I get so confused sometimes!”

My friend said: “You do that too.”

Stunned, my words died in midsentence. “What? When?”

She proceeded to give me several examples of when I had done the exact thing I was complaining about.

And it hit me: I am what I complain about.

Last week I witnessed a woman who was reflecting parts of me that I don’t like to look at or accept within myself. Because I refused to look at this aspect of me my reaction to her became stronger and stronger as I fought it – I wasn’t looking at my victim state because I wasn’t being a victim therefore why should I look there?

Deeper reflection over time revealed that there are still areas of my life where the victim mentality comes into play. By allowing myself to have a victim mentality and not being on guard of my mental patterns I step out of my personal power. I don’t take full responsibility for my life, giving it away to whatever fits in that moment of time.

Something else I have recently noticed is that in all the mirrors I’ve ever looked at, I was always trying to find what was wrong with me. I was always asking the wrong questions. I believe that asking those questions was part of the reason that I had such a hard time conceptualizing the idea – I didn’t believe that a person could mirror positive aspects of me too.

The Universe is not a tyrant.

The Universe is expressed in my reality right now as a duality – there is positive and there is negative and therefore mirrors in my life express both. Mirrors can be a positive experience!

Mirrors can be positive and beautiful too, just like you!

Realizing the other part – that you are a mirror for others – can change interactions with others as well. There are times when I have been hanging out with a person and something gets triggered. From my perspective I’ve done nothing to provoke or annoy the person, yet something happened for them that wasn’t pleasant.

Understanding that I may have mirrored for another an aspect they hate allows more acceptance and compassion to flow from me to them. Having experienced my own reaction to someone innocently reflecting one of my most undesirable aspects of myself in my opinion, I can totally empathize with a person who receives the same from me.

When a reaction like this happens, if a person is able to be conscious and allow the reaction to happen without judgment more clarity for both people can be attained. The person on the receiving end is able to step back from the situation and stay calm. He is able to practice allowance, his own wisdom and compassion. He needs to be able to decipher what is going in the situation – is he a mirror, or is he something more? How can he best respond to this situation? Does the reactor need space?

Sometimes the only thing the receiver can do is accept it. Sometimes the receiver must intervene. I would love to one day have the ability to take all with calmness and yet give out exactly what the other person needs to learn what the Universe is trying to teach, just like the story of a monk who threw his shoe at a student to make a point, or Jesus turning the merchants tables over in the temple in anger. (I’m sure most traditions have similar stories that I’d love to hear about as they bring a smile to my lips).

The person reacting needs to be able to fully react without judgment or fear, and learn from his reaction by having the space to process what happened and why. This must processing must be done on the reactors own terms and in his own time.

I feel like this happens quite often on a less extreme scale in many of my interactions with people, and part of the reason why I don’t want to respond to certain people or vice versa. I truly believe that every encounter with another is a learning opportunity. If I could use them all without being overwhelmed or driven crazy, I would! 🙂

P.S. Pictures in today’s blog posts were not taken by me. Click the image to go to the owners Flickr portfolio.

Networking, Fear of Success, True Colours, and Muffins

Banana Nut Muffin

Ah, this week was a very busy week for me! It was filled with a personal learning curve, which definitely has effects my business.

One of my main concerns this week was muffin making! I have made an agreement to trade a gluten free sugar free and vegan muffin recipe for an Akashic Record consultation where I plan to get my business name from as I’m currently operating under none. After finding out that Victoria is the “City of Roses” my old name of Rose Tree Healing would get lost in all the rosey businesses. And it has no oomph to it. So lets see what Spirit has in store!

Thursday night I attended a YES mixer (Young Entrepreneur Society) with another participant in the Youth Means Business program and Mr. Business Coach. I really did not enjoy it, however I do not like crowds of people especially being in a crowd of people in a small confined space. I also dislike people I don’t know touching me which happened often, as it does in crowds, as people move around from one point to another. This mixer definitely took me out of my comfort zone. The other participant I went with seemed quite comfortable and the Mixer seemed profitable for him.

On Sunday, I had requested a friend of mine do some work on me. We focused on my Abundance issues and gleaning clarity on the underlying blockages to abundance. The session definitely met it’s goals of clarity around abundance.  Among a few issues that came up one really stood out to me, which I focused on this week: Fear of success.

At one point in time I had become aware of this fear within my consciousness but I had never done anything with it. It makes sense that it would be a contributing factor to the blockage of abundance, especially financially, that I have felt in my life.  I see that it would contribute to the habits of self-sabotage and procrastination. There are probably other habits or patterns that I am unaware of as well.

After the session and dragging my feet for Monday and Tuesday I said to myself  “Okay, you have to stop this Serafina. You have to deal with your fear and you know how to do it!” So, with much hesitation and crying (It was an emotional moment to possibly loose a long-time buddy, even if it’s for my own good!) I sat down and meditated on my fear.

I pictured him in front of me and asked him what lessons he had to teach me. And then I removed him from my life, and filled that area with white light. This was repeated until he said “You can only deal with me so much in this way, the rest must be dealt with in day to day life… Take care of yourself.”

I would like to share with you some of what he “said”:

“You can love yourself. It is a simple choice…. Self-love will make you radiate… Acknowledge that you are beautiful in the mirror everyday… Don’t be scared to give of yourself, for this is how you will make your biggest contributions to mankind, to humanity.”

On Wednesday I went to the True Colours Personality Workshop that Youth Means Business put on for program participants and I finally got to meet other women in the program! I also learned about the True Colours, which I think are a very simple and fun way to think about people. I’m blue. And my secondary colour is orange. What are you? The only free online quiz I could find for you is here.

My week was emotional. I felt a lot of things moving and shifting. Things that have been held in my body are releasing, and I feel some patterns and ways of thinking are being lifted. It is good!

Also, got a bike! And a helmet! Very excited! Went on my first bike ride and its perfect for my plan to get me into shape! A giant hill almost killed me! Lol. MUAHAHAHAHAA!

Have a great week!  🙂

Emotional Outbreak at the Full Moon

Full Moon

The full moon from my bedroom window!

Hello!

Today, I decided that I have been undergoing a full moon release for the past couple of days. It actually started about two weeks ago with a dream… A dream of a volcano about to explode, breathing out smoke and ash as it has for a while. None of the villagers knew when it would explode, but eventually it would, and so they were moving out of the way. I was on my way to be the bride in a wedding.

Well, I thought about it a little bit, asked a couple people about what it could mean, and we came up that it could mean a huge emotional outburst with my boyfriend. I couldn’t see it happening any time soon since things between us were going well.

Then I have another volcano dream, one I can’t remember details of, while at my boyfriends house. Immediately I get up and look it up in the dream dictionary, and it states “emotional outburst of pent up emotion.”  Interesting.

Then that night overwhelming anger comes up. I rant. I cry. My heart feels so full of pain. I don’t understand the worlds cruelties. I know that this world is not supposed to be like this. It is supposed to be a place of love and joy for everyone. My boyfriend listens and hugs me.

The next day I feel a bit off, a bit blue, but what are you going to do? Sometimes I have blue days. Later that night I feel it deep in my soul and I pray, crying for help from the Universe and the Ones who work with me. And I fear I don’t have the strength to do the next major piece of my journey.

All I hear is “You do. You have the Strength.” And I know they will help me. I can do it.

I cried for a few hours that night, and it seemed to release a lot of things emotionally. I could feel things shifting around inside my body and my mind. I also have a new focus in my life: Self-sustainability.

I am very happy and excited for this part of my journey. I know I will make it.

So tonight, for my full moon ceremony I wrote a short list of what I want to release and burned it. I then spent time expressing gratitude for everything – those that work with me, the people that surround me, that where I am now is such a better place on all levels than where I was last year at this time, and more.

Now I am happily off to accomplish my mission for 2012: Self-sustainability!

P.S.

Jade is one of two stones that help increase one’s ability to be self-sustainable. 🙂